Do you tend to get stuck in your head over analysing your partner’s behaviour? Thinking to yourself things like: ‘Why is it always me who has to be the one to initiate difficult conversations or to plan a nice day out together?’
‘I wish he was more passionate or pro-active when it comes to making decisions.’
‘If only he would look after himself a bit better, eat healthier food and do some regular exercise’.
‘He is more interested in his phone than he is in me!’
Or maybe the focus is more on yourself:
‘I wish I was more attractive.’
‘If only I was good at the things he likes doing, maybe he is better off with someone else.’
‘He seems to get on much better with other women than he does with me.’
If any of these examples sound familiar, then you are not alone.
Overthinking is actually an addiction that we all have as human beings. It is born out of our survival programming and the feeling that we need to try and control everything in our lives.
It is also a great way to sabotage your love life.
Because it stops you from being real and from embracing your true vulnerability (a sign of strength). It stops you from being present with your partner and creating a more genuine, authentic connection. It also prevents your relationship from having the space it needs to grow and be nurtured.
When my clients fall into this pattern of overthinking, they also believe that they can find the solution in their head too. They think ‘if only I could work out how to solve this then everything would be okay!’
The thing is the answer to your issue is generally not found in your head, especially when it is coming from an energy of struggle where you are trying to find the ‘right’ answer.
There could be 101 solutions or ways of looking at your problem. What you want to create instead, is a situation whereby you instinctively know what to do. This is how you start to trust yourself to be able to create what you want in your love life.
How to overcome the overthinking
Firstly, it is crucial to try to bring some awareness to the fact that you are going round and round in circles in your mind without getting anywhere.
Simply realising that you are starting to get caught up in your head gives you the opportunity to come into the present moment.
Here you can take a step back and realise that your efforts to control, change and shape your relationship are usually tinged with frustration, disappointment, and sadness. These are all feelings that need acknowledging rather than being swept under the carpet.
Embracing the present moment can be a challenge but it can also help to transform your relationship beautifully!
Coming into a space where you realise you don’t necessarily have all the answers is scary at first when you are so used to trying to control everything.
However, with some practice you will start to relax into this space and begin to trust that the answers will be revealed. This is when you will also start taking the pressure off yourself and your partner.
I call this practice going into the space of ‘not-knowing.’ This is a great antidote to the overthinking and whilst it does take some getting used to, it can also give you a wonderful feeling of expansion and possibility. When you can tap into these feelings you then become more magnetic to what you want.
Giving yourself the opportunity to move into this ‘not-knowing’ is so valuable because it allows you time to stop, listen and think about what you really want to say. To stop and think ‘how could I take more responsibility or give myself more love right now?’ Or ‘how I could I be more trusting that my partner has a greater capacity to step up than I am giving him credit for?’
Next time when you catch yourself overthinking take it as your opportunity to stop and get quiet: to say a firm but loving ‘no’ to the inner critic that never wants to give up. This is how you can develop stronger, internal boundaries for yourself, and this will help you become less reactive in your relationship over time.
It is these moments where you will usually find some respite and you then start to cultivate a non-thinking state of mind where you might not know the answer right now but that is okay. It is here that you are allowing room for your intuition or inner wisdom to come through and give you the exact information you have been looking for, whether this is in the form of what to say to your partner or where to go on a date night.
Following your intuition can create huge transformation in your relationship
The best thing about following your intuition or your inner knowing is that it will help you take actions that feel aligned with your values and desires. As a result, you will start to see evidence of transformation taking place. This in turn will help you trust more and more that you have much more power to create your own extraordinary love story than you ever realised. Thankfully it also means that you don’t have to keep waiting for your partner to change!
I will write more on how to develop your intuition in my next post, but for now if you have any questions about relationships that you would like answered please do email me at [email protected]. All names will be kept anonymous.
Main pic: @chermitovee