Apparently, there is such a thing as Lockdown Memory Loss and if that’s the case, I’ve had it for months. What day is it? has morphed into, what month is it? Soon it will be, what year is it?
I want to add a second thing, and this list will get longer the further into Lockdown we get. It’s Lockdown Losing The Plot.
This manifested itself a few weeks ago when I attempted to buy a coffee in a trendy independent in Manchester. It felt like one mini humiliation after another as I kept saying to the empty shop ‘I just want a coffee’. But, the whole operation took over 30 minutes and did I mention the lack of customers?
Coming from a cold street with face mask resulted in steamed up glasses, now need to drop coat/bags, remove glasses and sign in.
Attempt to order a coffee
‘Sorry we can’t take your order at the table which is three feet away from the counter of the empty shop, you need to download the app’. Ok – now must fish out charger as battery low. Contents of handbag on table, find charger.
Find coffee menu: 15 coffees and a further 4 out of stock. 15!!! I only want a coffee, settle for a flat white as will to live is starting to ebb.
Credit card needed. Empty handbag for second time. Humph loudly in still empty coffee shop. Enter card. Complete transaction and receive a message – coffee will be with me in 20 minutes. 20 MINUTES? The shop is still empty.
And then it happens – the Lockdown Losing The Plot kicks in
Realise I have lost my glasses. Feel top of my head, nope; look on table, nope; empty handbag for third time, nope. Must have left them on the counter when I signed in. Move to counter, told to sit down – ‘but I’m just looking for my glasses, I think I left them here’?
The final humiliation
Barista looks at me with an expression of pity on his face. ‘You mean the ones you are wearing’? Touch face, slink back to table, where my wonderful flat white is waiting for me.
Who knew ordering coffee could be so traumatic? Was life always this complicated or do I just have a case of Lockdown Losing The Plot?