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Di’s Diary: Warning! Sex on TV, there’s something I need to get off my heaving bosom

My sister and I were watching the Netflix series Behind Her Eyes, a psychological thriller which features a very handsome psychiatrist, played by actor Tom Bateman (pictured).

It featured a steamy sex scene (one of many) and my sister roared: “Oh, I hate that!!”

“Hate what??” I barked, irritated that I’d had to take my eyes off the gorgeous Tom, seconds before he screamed in ecstasy.

“When the man just sticks it in and she comes,” she said in a voice dripping with contempt.

After choking on my white wine, I had to agree with her. It’s most annoying because everyone knows it takes at least an hour and a bottle and a half of prosecco. So why do film and TV producers insist on portraying sex in this way?

I don’t know one woman who orgasms seconds after entry. Obviously, if you’re one of those lucky females do drop me a line at The Best Life Project and I’ll interview you because you’re such a rare phenomenon.

The way sex is portrayed on TV and in film has improved, but it still leaves a lot to be desired, simply because it’s so unrealistic.

The cast of Spiral

The BBCiplayer French crime series Spiral featured a lot of rumpy pumpy, but it was very subtley done – half hidden breasts were pushed up against manly chests, the occasional thrusting buttock, that sort of thing. There was quite a bit of picking up of women and giving them a good rodgering on kitchen worktops, but it was proper classy.

But in real life, do men do much picking up of women by their bottie cheeks to take them up against the washing machine? Maybe, if those women are tiny, very light and mid-cycle on a hot wash, but at 5ft 6 and 11 and a half stones, I’m not sure even Anthony Joshua could do the honours for me.

And what about the fact that men’s appendages rarely make the cut in TV and film. It’s changing slowly – but we women are still at the stage that we squeal in excitement whenever we get an onscreen flash of manhood. But, seriously, equality in nudity has not yet been achieved.

Normal People wth Paul Mescal and Daisy Edgar-Jones

The exception was Normal People, The BBC’s raunchiest drama ever which included 41 minutes of sex scenes. It wasn’t me who counted them, by the way.

If you’ve not seen it, Paul Mescal, a 24-year-old Irish actor, plays the handsome and insecure Connell Waldron, a popular sports star with budding anxiety issues. Connell falls for Marianne Sheridan, played with painful sensitivity by the 21-year-old English actress Daisy Edgar-Jones.

But the big news was that Paul got his kit off for the cameras and we got to see his winky, and very impressive it was too. So much so that someone set up an Instagram account called Connell’s Chain in its honour.

Now, I’m not saying I want to see more willies on telly (Naked Attraction has cornered that market), but in the interests of equality, surely if a woman’s breasts and tuppence are on show it only stands to reason that so should a man’s meat and two veg.

So, if there are any film producers reading this, can you try to include some realistic sex in your work, please? It might take hours, involve some unsavoury sound effects and the odd no show, but at least it won’t leave women feeling inadequate because they’ve never achieved the 30-second orgasm, or emasculate men because they can’t support their partner’s weight during sex.

And, Anthony Joshua, if you need to up your weight training regime, just drop me a line. I’ll take one for the sisterhood.

Aww, he’s putting in extra hours, bless….

Main pic: Josh Barratt @Netflix

Diane Cooke
Diane Cooke is a three times award-winning journalist who has worked for UK national/regional newspapers, magazines and websites.

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