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Di’s Diary: Facebook and Insta tat be gone! This woman’s not for buying

Hands up all those who have been lured into buying tat during lockdown? I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve spent some of Boris’ money unwisely. In fact, I’ve made some ridiculous internet purchases and I’m not promising I can stop.

It started in the summer with me ordering an ethnic-style harem suit (see below) in a nice paisley print. It was really cheap, of course it was!

But what eventually arrived in a tatty package from China was a nylon, dayglo suit which said ‘grannies on Ibiza tour as painted by David Hockney’ and gave me electric shocks when it stuck to the hairs on my legs.

What I thought I ordered

I got into a bit of a row with the sellers as they said I’d been sent what I ordered and I said I would never have ordered such a hideous item of clothing. They did eventually agree to refund the money as I was causing a social media storm, but I’ve since decided it may come in handy for a fancy dress party if we ever get out of lockdown.

What I actually received

Then there were the magnetic lashes. I don’t know where I was thinking of wearing them, but I just had to have them. Now other people have given Lola’s Lashes rave reviews, but I’m guessing they’re not as ham-fisted as me. So I decided to try them prior to a date in a restaurant in tier 2 at the time. What a palaver!

The idea is that you paint on the magnetic eyeliner, let it dry and the lashes’ magnets adhere to it. But mine only stuck in the middle so I applied more eyeliner, which was getting all over my fingers. By the time I’d finished I was wearing so much eyeliner that I looked like a tranny and when I blinked one of the lashes stuck to my eyebrow. What made it worse is that Lola, was the name of my Labrador who died last year. I can’t even look at those lashes without thinking of her. So my daughter tried them and they worked like a dream. Yeah, whatever!

Lolas Lashes:They seem to work for everyone except me

And moving on to the foundation that matches your skin perfectly. I really didn’t think this one out. It’s winter and I’m very pale skinned at the moment. So why was I shocked when I applied the foundation and I looked like I’d just croaked? It’s probably fab for darker skins, but Elizabeth I is not a good look for anyone. I may try it again in the summer when I’ve got a bit of a tan.

Which leads me on to the Tattoo Brow product. It looked simple enough, just paint it on and let it dry and you’ve suddenly got the perfect pair of arched brows. But I didn’t read the instructions properly, which said that you need to peel off the liquid after 20 minutes. I thought it was pretty crap, this dark clumpy mess on my eyebrows, and with the pale foundation, I looked ready for a Scouse Halloween party. It took four weeks for me to realise that when you peel the stuff off the perfect brows are underneath.

I could go on to tell you about knitted dresses that barely covered my bum and size 2XL fleece-lined leggings – again from China – that almost cut off my circulation and caused an accident when I couldn’t peel them off quick enough to pee. Oh, and the No 7 wrinkle corrector, which I had such high hopes for ridding me of Covid Face, but sadly hasn’t.

No, enough is enough, Instagram and Facebook will make a fool out of this purchaser no longer. My New Year’s resolution is to avoid all attempts to lure me in and so far it’s going very well because I’ve only bought a knife sharpener and it actually works!

Diane Cooke
Diane Cooke is a three times award-winning journalist who has worked for UK national/regional newspapers, magazines and websites.

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