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Are you trying to hide in your relationship to keep safe? Ask Michele, our relationship counsellor

Hi, I am Michele Willmott and I’m excited to be invited on board as host and writer of a monthly Relationship Column here on The Best Life Project.

I will be sharing with you my insights and tips on how to create a fulfilling, successful romantic relationship. Alongside this you will have the opportunity to ask me for advice about any relationship scenario you are currently struggling with.

A bit about me for starters. I am a fully certified Coach and qualified psychotherapist. I work with men, women and couples helping them to move past conflict and unconscious sabotage, so that they can create the relationship of their dreams.

Unfortunately, we are not taught how to create a long lasting connection and intimacy in love. The messages we receive when we are children and the way love and romance are portrayed by society. They encourage us to believe that once we meet Mr or Mrs ‘Right’ then everything will be easy and straight forward.

We are led to believe that love comes from outside of us and that it is our partner’s responsibility to save us or make us happy. These false messages are responsible for the current high rates of divorce in the UK and this is why so many people end up attracting the same types of relationship even once they move on and find a new partner.

I always remember a client saying to me in her last session, ‘I had no idea that I was ultimately responsible for my feelings and behaviour when it came to my relationship. It makes sense but we are not taught to relate to our partner in that way.’

There is an overwhelming amount of knowledge and advice available on the internet when it comes to romantic relationships. Some of it is great advice. However, even the best advice in the world won’t help you achieve long lasting happiness in this area of your life if you use it from the wrong energy.

Your energy literally has the ability to attract a beautiful situation when it comes to love, or quite the opposite. If your energy, behaviour and thinking is rooted in what is known as ‘shadow,’ you will end up unconsciously sabotaging your romantic life without even realising you are doing it.

When your shadow is running the show from behind the scenes, your behaviour will be coming from a place of fear that you (or your partner) are not good enough.

As a result you may try to keep yourself safe by hiding in your relationship. You may avoid saying how you really feel and fail to take full responsibility for your own emotions and well-being.

‘Shadow has the opposite effect of creating what we really want in love mainly because there is a fear of opening up to receive more love’

You may also try to avoid conflict to avoid upsetting your partner, but all the time this is happening you are not being your true self. This creates the ‘elephant in the room’ type of tension and keeps your partner at arm’s length rather than bringing them closer.

If you want to create something special in your romantic life it is hugely important therefore, to understand how your own shadows tend to show up in your relationships.

Shadow has the opposite effect of creating what we really want in love mainly because there is a fear of opening up to receive more love. Whilst our past history may demonstrate that it was not possible for us to be loved for all of who we are, we totally have the power within us to create a completely new future in our love life.

Also, whilst we may think our partner is not capable of showing up in a different way, I can tell you from my own personal experience that if your partner is a decent human being, they will have a far greater capacity to demonstrate love and commitment than you are giving them credit for.

It certainly takes some work to undo your old, conditioned behaviours and ways of thinking. However, nothing in my experience is better than shedding away the layers (and the lies that your shadows tell you) so that you can create something truly extraordinary in love.

If you are struggling in your relationship and have a question that you would like some guidance on, please feel free to write to me at Each month I will pick one reader’s question to answer (no names mentioned) in this column.

Wishing you every happiness in love!

Michele Willmott
Michele is a Relationship Mentor and Coach helping men, women and couples transform their patterns of sabotage so that they can move past loneliness, hurt and conflict to create something extraordinary in love.

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